Our pets live relatively short lives. For many
of us who love our pets, their death can affect
some of us even more than the death of a relative or friend. The death of a
pet leaves few people totally untouched.
People
love their pets and consider them members of their family: Caregivers
celebrate their pets' birthdays, confide in their animals, and carry
pictures of them in their wallets.
So when your beloved pet dies, it's not unusual to feel overwhelmed by the
intensity of your sorrow. But understanding how you grieve and finding ways
to cope with your loss can bring you closer to
the day when memories bring smiles instead of tears.
For many children, their
first real
experience with loss occurs when a pet dies. When a pet dies, children need consolation, love, support, and affection more than they need
complicated medical or scientific explanations.
Children's reactions to the
death of a pet will depend upon their age and developmental level.
Children
3 to 5 years of age see death as temporary and potentially reversible.
Between ages
6 and 8, children begin to develop a more realistic
understanding of the nature and consequences
of death. Generally, it is not
until 9 years of age that children fully understand that death is
permanent
and final. For this reason, very young children should be told that when a
pet dies,
it stops moving, doesn't see or hear anymore, and won't wake up
again. They may need to have
this explanation repeated to them several
times.
The loss of a pet may be a child's first experience with death. The child
may blame himself, his
parents, or the veterinarian for not saving the pet. And he/she may feel
guilty, depressed, and frightened that others he loves may be taken from
him. Trying to protect your child by saying the
pet ran away could cause your child to expect the pet's return and feel
betrayed after discovering
the truth. Expressing your own grief may reassure your child that sadness is
okay and help him work through his feelings.
There are
many ways parents can tell their children that a pet has died. It is
often
helpful to make children as comfortable as possible (use a soothing voice,
hold their hand or
put an arm around them) and to tell them in a familiar
setting. It is also important to be honest when telling children that a pet
has died. Trying to protect children with vague or inaccurate explanations
can create anxiety, confusion, and mistrust.
Children often have
questions after a pet dies, including: Why did my pet die? Is it my fault?
Where does my pet's body go? Will I ever see my pet again? If I wish hard
and am really good can I
make my pet come back? Does death last forever? It
is important to answer such questions simply,
but honestly.
Children may
experience sadness, anger, fear, denial, and guilt when their pet dies. They
may also
be jealous of friends with pets.
The grief
process is as individual as the person, lasting days for one person or years
for another.
When a pet is sick or
dying, spend time talking with your child about his/her feelings. If
possible,
it is helpful to have the child say goodbye before the pet dies.
Parents can serve as models by
sharing their feelings with their children.
Let your child know it is normal to miss pets after they die
and encourage
the youngster to come to you with questions or for reassurance and comfort.
There is no best way
for children to mourn their pets. They need to be given time to remember
their pets. It helps to talk about the pet with friends and family. Mourning
a pet has to be done in a
child's own way. After a pet has died, children
may want to bury the pet, make a memorial, or have
a ceremony. Other
children may write poems and stories, or make drawings of the pet. It is up
to you, as the parent, to decide whether to immediately bring home another
pet. There is no replacement for the one who has died but a good way to
overcome your pain is to help another pet. There are so many beautiful
animal companions just waiting for a wonderful parent like you and
a happy home! The shelters are filled with them. You can save a life and
they can help to save you. Animal companions bring so much joy and happiness
that it’s often hard to decide whose helping
whom the most. They’ll help to distract you from your loss.
The death of a pet may
cause a child to remember other painful losses, or upsetting events. A child
who appears to be overwhelmed by their grief and not able to function in
their normal routine may benefit from an evaluation by a child and
adolescent psychiatrist or other qualified mental health professional.
While
grief is a personal experience, you need not face this loss alone. Many
forms of support are available, including pet bereavement counseling
services, pet-loss support hotlines,
local or on-line Internet bereavement groups, books, videos, and magazine
articles. Some of the
many resources on the Internet for pet loss are
www.pet-loss.net
which includes a state-by-state
directory of support groups, counselors and pet cemeteries. Another site is
www.in-memory-of-pets.com,
which has tributes, poems and other resources.
There is no "right" way to grieve.
It is important to face your personal loss honestly. Bring closure to the
sad event of losing your beloved pet in a way that will be most meaningful
to you. The following steps will help. If you are having an exceptionally
difficult time, ask your veterinarian to recommend
a grief support resource.
- Recognize the reality of your loss.
- Say goodbye
- Allow time for grieving
- Express your feelings without
embarrassment
- Memorialize your pet
- Celebrate what your pet meant to you
- Cherish memories of your time together
We can never forget or replace the radiant
place that our pet's love holds in our hearts. But we can hold on tight to
the memories of how they taught us to live, love and laugh.
Wishing you peace and healing,
Judy
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